A major example of global revision that I had made during this project was adjusting the tone and depth of the writing. In my first draft, I was very vague with my wording, and it did not stress enough of what I wanted to say. For example, I stated “technology is ruining empathy in both older and newer generations.” (Renton 1). That was the extent of my argument towards generations. In my final draft, I improved upon this idea, arguing “This problem is evident in newer generations that are exposed to iPads, phones, and television at a really young age. They tend to be impatient and prefer to be inside the web than present in real life” (Renton 1). I brought in my own perspective about technology, adding more depth. This made the argument stronger and more relatable to the reader. In class, we often discussed using our own ideas and experiences as an additional source, and that was really highlighted here. I also displayed local revision through adjusting the clarity and flow of my essay. A prominent example of this is when I expanded a quote in the final draft. I fixed the quote by including “She begins the passage with the statement, ‘We’re talking all the time. We text and post and chat. We may even begin to feel more at home in the world of our screens. Among family and friends, among colleagues and lovers, we turn to our phones instead of each other’ (Turkle 343)” (Renton 2). At first, I only used the quote “‘She begins the passage with the sentence, ‘…we turn to our phones instead of each other’ (Turkle 343)” (Renton 1). By expanding on this quote, I was better able to provide a clear view of Turkle’s argument which, in turn, made a stronger connection to my own ideas and helped the paragraph flow nicer. These examples show how I was able to effectively communicate my argument and improve the coherence of my essay through revision.
